Emotional Balance During Painful Times

by Lorraine Michaels

May 2010

I had written this letter to the community a few months after my husband left our marriage and the community in 2009.* I had received some negative comments from people regarding my letters to the community following this separation. One which stated publicly in an email to the whole community that my writings to the community were colored with resentment toward Kim. Another comment was that I showed emotional attachment to Kim and was acting from that emotional plane, not letting him go, and a problem because of my attachments. I pondered some of these comments, also in line with earlier comments I received when I first wrote the community back in August giving direction and understanding about our separation. Some of those comments stated that they did not agree with what I wrote about Kim, or felt I had too much emotion in them. So I immediately sent heavenward the request for further understanding where I might be out of alignment or out of balance with my emotional or mental body. The only answer I received back was to write the community! I have learned over the years the best way to heal and to understand yourself, your true motives and how to come up higher is sometimes to just express yourself! So I am writing and sharing what I do believe is a victory I have had with overcoming the pain of an abrupt separation from one whom I loved and whom I thought loved me. As well as the shock of having my daughter turn on me with lies and accusations in support of her father's new course of events. I can wonder at what it would take to not color one's writings after such an emotional trauma, and whether that would be healthy if one did not express some of that emotion in what they were communicating and sharing from their heart. I have always been open in expressing what I feel and what takes me through a process, as I teach in this manner and guide people through to their victory by my journey to the victory. So in this case, I also hope to guide others who have had — or may have in the future — a certain trauma that takes them out of their peace and into the realm of emotions. I do not think imperfect emotions are our enemy and that we need to avoid them as the plague. I think sorrow is a tough emotion to go through, but sometimes necessary to express to heal a certain human state of attachment or loss. And sometimes resentment tries to sneak its way into our thoughts, that someone could abandon us through death or abandonment, or deliberately lie about us or do any of those despicable things that the lower mind and ill heart can do to another fellow being.
Maintaining an undercurrent of Peace I remember clearly the many emotions I went through those first three days after Kim suddenly left. It was akin to extreme shock and I felt everything, I did not go numb. I felt peace at the same time, as I often always feel it behind any out of balance emotions that I might encounter within myself. It is like at the surface with the choppy water there may be hurt, pain, sorrow, fear or worse, yet there underneath lies this current of peace. And it is that peace that sustains you through all your experiences when times get tough. And so I felt that peace, that truly everything would not turn out so bad, and if I just kept in that peace I would wake up tomorrow or the next day or the next and everything would be all right.
Where does that peace come from? It is from God and it is God. And if we don't have it, we can pray for it. I worked hard over the years to let go of all discords within me that were anti-peace. But sometimes it is not even you, but you feel the energies of anti-peace in others around you. When you do, you need to remember it is the other person, not yourself that you are feeling. And then you can choose to send light and peace into the situation. You can affirm in your mind, "Peace be still and know that I AM God." It is a powerful mantra and it helps to quiet that solar plexus chakra when you feel those energies. That is how I learned to keep the peace, to be vigilant to counter every anti-peace around me and in me. My solar plexus chakra always gives me the warning when I or another is out of their peace, and then it is a wonderful sign and opportunity to make the calls and strive to balance the energies. God also taught me about faith. And days before Kim left Archangel Michael, the angel of faith, came to me and invited me to call to him for faith. At that time I did not understand why, I felt I always had a lot of faith. In the weeks that followed I clearly understood the gift he brought me and why. I also felt faith, that faith that goes beyond the temporary reality you sometimes experience when things begin to look like chaos. Faith lets you know that outer appearances are not that important, but truly what goes beyond what you can see. Faith needs no words, but comes from someplace you know is God outside the realm of decay and discord. We all need faith. So much of those first days were experienced in this dual reality, where I experienced both the human side of hurt and pain, and yet had this gift of peace and faith. And as the days passed on, the pain and hurt did not decrease, as things became more public and words were exchanged between Kim and the community members. In fact, my shock increased a bit, as I could not believe what I read from Kim or from some of our members who appeared kind in their past expressions with the community, but were now in modes of anger, resentment, blaming and without heart. I could not believe what I received from Kim in private emails. I just could not believe IT. IT was beyond belief and the shock of experiencing IT through him and some community members simply kept me confused to how this reality could possibly be happening. But all through it I received the distinct impression and sometimes direct communion through waking dreams, that I needed to release all negative feelings and just love. And so I immediately wrote the community and advised all to not hold any negative image of Kim, to love him and forgive him. And that started my precedence to continue to forgive and love Kim no matter what he did. I knew I had to because I had faith that my inner guidance was telling me the right way to go and that I needed to lead the community in the same direction as I was receiving. Love and forgiveness was the need of the hour and that is where we were going as a community. Many an hour, day and week I spent with the the heavenly hosts, taking down their words as they unfolded the story before me on the why and how of what was going on within and without. Communicating with them didn't change much from the prior years of my work with them, but it increased tremendously. They were always with me, and I was never alone nor felt alone, although lonely in a worldly sense, for I physically had little company with me. Most of my interaction was with people over the internet, and in that sense, I had constant communication with people every day, but sometimes I would sense this loneliness of not being around people
Even though so much came to me in understanding from the Masters, many mysteries remained and much, much faith was needed to trust that what I was receiving was real and I was keeping myself and the community on the right tract. And when I guided a small community group one day to use a powerful meditation to help Kim, it quickly got back to Kim through the grapevine, that I was praying for him. And he was very resentful that I would do so and he wrote me attacking me that I was getting the community members to hold an image of his returning home one day. He adamantly advised me to seek a divorce and to do so quickly, volunteering to sign as an adulterer as the cause, to avoid delay through the courts, as we have a waiting period in our state.
I thought I was over the shocks, but he still had the power to shock me again and again. But with the Master's guidance, I always responded back in the way that was best for the mission or for Kim and I, and what followed was within days he received a private letter I wrote that was not meant to be read by him, but got into his hands because the masters had me send a private letter to this same group of people, but it went out accidentally to our entire community list. Someone there then forwarded it on to Kim. But as divinely guided throughout that letter I displayed a total detachment from him, and exclaimed my shock that he had thought I was having others call for his return home. Rather I talked about how we were praying for his return to sanity, much different than asking a disgruntle spouse to return home! It was amazing the many incidences that happened like this, that I experienced to further my faith in that God always provides for those who love Him and have faith. Discerning Truth When Doubt Appears So again and again, I would be guided to say exactly what needed to be said to Kim, regardless of what I thought I should or should not say. Again and again I had to trust that this guidance and inner direction was the Way. And shortly after that experience I started a tremendous inner journey with this false higher self of Kim. It was most joyous in many ways and yet extremely painful at the same time. I did not know what this KIm was that was coming to me. It appeared to be very, very loving. And he would tell me things like the outer Kim would return, he would come home. I was all ready to let this outer Kim move on and get the divorce going, but this false higher Kim was not letting me move on. But I was being torn apart as I experienced the two Kim's and I knew I had to tell this false self of Kim to leave me alone, realizing this was not the truth. And I made the calls and God answered and stopped these lies from that being.
And to outwardly move on I sat down one day and prepared divorce papers, determined as ever that I was not going to play any game with this false self of Kim, or even let the masters lead me on that everything would be all right one day. As I was preparing the document beloved Alpha came to me and told me, "Beloved, do not go through with this divorce and send those papers." For one time in my life, I tearfully told Alpha that I thought he was just testing me and I sent off the documents to Kim anyway. It was an extreme test for me to disobey my Spiritual Father in order to stop the dual world I was living in. The emotional pain was great to have so many conflicting energies come to me, and to try and discern what was false and what was real and what was the true Will of God. Although I knew it was truly beloved Alpha, I also knew the possibility that I was being tested to go within and make the decision of what to do from my heart and I AM. But at these emotional times it takes great strength and peace, coupled with faith and oneness with I AM to know without any shred of doubt what is truly the right thing to do.
I believe through my love for Kim, I drew the dark forces round and about him to me, who came to torment me, and did so for many months to come. It was not for lack of my prayers, my protection or calls that allowed this tormenting, but for my inner faith that knew that this was allowed and encouraged for a reason, however painful for me. I trusted that God had a higher plan that my outer mind could not understand, and faith would lead me on. For some reason Kim just stopped communicating with me about the divorce and nothing happened for awhile. But the end of this torment from him was not in sight. For months all manner of ungodly aspects of Kim would come to me and pressure me about this or that action I had done. And sometimes the masters would use me as a go-between to counsel this false Kim at different levels of his being. They were astounding experiences, revealing conversations about the nature of evil and the ego displays. I felt like I was receiving a quick mini course to be a psychologist! I learned so much about the psyche and false wisdom mind and its inability to understand divine direction, More or Being. And I would be shocked once again, that these displays were coming out of anything remotely connected with this man that I thought I knew and loved, someone I never dreamed in a lifetime, could do and say these things. Sometimes I would totally identify with myself as the wrongdoer, feeling remorse and shame that the Conscious You Kim would project upon me. He would convince me that I was the terrible person for treating him in such ways. I realized over time how swayed I could be by the lies and the superior wisdom and total belief when that someone believes they are right and out to prove someone wrong through blaming. I cried buckets of tears sometimes, as I felt pain from these accusations, believing I had hurt another in such a horrible way. Over time I began to see the workings of the Conscious You mind and I realized these were projections and blaming energies and that everything the Conscious You blamed you, they were doing themselves.
The outer Kim was almost just as shocking in what he would say or do. Kim wrote the community when he left that he was a new person and the old Kim was dead, and he even shaved off his mustache, it seems to prove his point, which made him look entirely different, and actually more feminine! He always had a mustache, from the time he was a youth. He was trying to prove to me before he left that he was the man of the house, while accusing me of being too masculine. So there was an identity crises going on within him that was being projected onto me.

But Kim's interference continued as like layers of an onion being peeled off, and was encouraged by the Great Divine Director. I never spoke to or heard this spiritual Kim without checking with my Higher Self and the Great Divine Director if it was appropriate and the will of God to listen. If I received the okay, then I would listen to him. I had developed a system many years ago I called "body symptoms". The technique was that I allowed and invited the angels and masters to prompt me on my inner ear if they wanted to communicate with me. This method provided a most invaluable service over the years to learn and grow with their guidance.
But I was very strict in making calls and protecting my forcefield from any psychic influence. Kim's being was the only other presence I had ever accepted outside of a few ascended masters and Cosmic Beings that I would listen to. So it was a big step for me to experience this extraordinary relationship. And sure enough, the inner experiences I had with the new Kim were of a totally new Kim that was not one I would want to ever spend the rest of my life with. Many times I was in the company of other people when we would experience these conversations with this new Kim. I would be with friends, community members and even the school students and at conferences, when I would receive this prompting on my ear from Kim. I knew it was him as he always used my right ear and it would be a jabbing pain, different from the masters prompting on my other ear. It would be some form of Kim coming to us, that I could hear and relay to others through my inner hearing. So this was an entirely new experience for myself—and for others! Forgiveness Was the Key All through this time I was continually guided to love, forgive and hold the immaculate concept. Sometimes it was easier than at other times, and sometimes, when one of those "new Kim" letters of anger or heartlessness from him would pop in my email box, I would struggle to understand how he could say those things to me. Eventually, he stopped writing altogether, until in October he sent me a long, hateful, prideful letter that I shared with the community, and that left me shocked yet once again. It was filled with statements such as, "Do you actually believe...do you actually think...when will an adult human being who is not devoid of intelligence... your increasingly bizarre behavior....you have a right to continue this drama for as long as you want.... I am not inside your mental box, and never was...you are completely wasting your effort in trying to use this worn-out tactic to “force” me...I HAVE MOVED ON - FOR GOOD!!!....the Kim Michaels who was married to you and who was a messenger in Shangra-la is DEAD." But I truly never felt anger at any time for anything he had done. or said. I have always seen that this is not Kim. This is simply not Kim.
One could say I was idolatrous of him. I do not feel that way at all. I simply see that he is caught in some energy that is not him. And yet he keeps saying that this IS him. This IS the real Kim that he never showed or anyone saw, and certainly not the one we used to know. But after talking so many times with his anti-self, I know the language that self uses. It at first pretended to be a being of love, appearing kind, but very adept at lying and just to torment me. But the real love of the God Self I have seen through Kim in the past was not there. After reading Kim's "Downward Spiral" articles published in November put on his website, I realized why this fake loving Kim came to me. In this article Kim admitted that he had spent much of his life wanting to appear nice so that people would like him. And this anti-self had done that exact same act to me because the community members that stayed with me would appear to him that they did not like or approve him anymore. l too would appear to him that I did not think he was nice anymore. This appeared to be the not-self that came to me as a loving being out of wanting approval. But not truly caring that I loved him, but only for the selfish desire to be approved from anyone, and most especially to convince me so I would stop exposing his erratic behavior and mental boxes. But when I saw through it one day, in knowing it was all lies, I called forth its judgment and that false "lover" never returned to me again. But many other aspects of his not-self began to appear. So it truly has been easy to hold the immaculate concept for Kim. In fact, extremely easy. And I wonder that I could not do this for everyone, even those who seem to hate me with much gusto. But the problem I encounter with some people is I can't find the God Self in them to love. If I could, I know I could love them easily, no matter what they do on the physical. And so I continue to strive to always look for that God Self behind every action, no matter what appears on the outer. But with Kim, I knew the real God-love in him and I held that image of what I knew in my heart to be real in him. For whatever reason that might be beyond my outer understanding for how a person could fall from grace into the trap of selfish, egotistic, erratic behavior, twisting the true teachings of the Ascended Masters into masterful lies of the Conscious You, I knew this being would have its day and be no more. Unreality cannot last when the power of God shines its Light upon that darkness. I would hold the immaculate concept for Kim until I left this world, for once I had experienced the Reality of Being in him, no lie that could unfold within him could convince me he was otherwise no matter how far from his heart and Being he strayed.
Is This Truly an Undercover Mission? Eventually the masters led me to understand, and all of the community that had an ear to hear as well, through their dictations and private words to me, that Kim and I were playing a role that we had planned for a very long time, far longer than our meeting in this life. They led me to understand the purpose of this role and how much the false wisdom and false purity and other aspects of the serpentine consciousness had taken over this planet, and how much this outer appearance of what Kim and I were outplaying was not the reality of who we are or what we are about. But mainly the product of a victorious undercover work to expose these states of consciousness so they can be exposed, judged and eradicated from our worlds. We were on an undercover mission and we were playing out roles to perfection. I began to feel victorious. I began to not be so shocked. Finally, I was understanding there was a purpose to this dream that I could not shake off. Even a purpose for Alpha telling me not to go ahead with divorce proceedings. I could see that no matter how dark things appeared, behind it all was the beauty of a master plan to clear the way for the Golden Age consciousness. I became more peaceful, even when the darker side of Kim would come to me on the inner or write cold, heartless letters to me on the outer. I started to see that this dark side of Kim coming to me on the inner was even for a greater purpose and I could welcome that presence as a learning tool. I could see victory even in opposition! Just before I left for our British conference, I had to deal with a ridiculous proposal Kim had his divorce attorney send me. I did not even bother to respond it was so preposterous, much as many other outer actions he had done and said. And he never tried to proceed further, a good sign that he realized how insane was his proposal. Seven months later I had not heard another word from his attorney. I felt the faith that I will be guided to do and say exactly what needed to be done. No more and no less. I AM victorious. With divine direction it was easy to let go of worry, I could let go and let God and know that whatever happens is the will of God. I could strive to stand firm in my stance to keep my home and not have to sell it to settle with Kim. Or I can stand firm to keep on taking each step I need to take for that day, knowing maybe the divorce will not go through as Kim heals his state of consciousness. But whatever happens I could trust and have faith that for each day, the next step is taken and then the next that will lead to God Victory, whatever that Victory is. These last months I have certainly felt many aspects of my emotional body, both good and not so good. I have been emotionally involved in the healing of my world, the community at large, and maybe even far beyond our circle. Whenever I would experience fear or doubt, I would process it through and come out to Faith once again. Whenever I would feel sorrow, I would cry and express that sorrow and then surrender it and return to peace and love once again. Whenever I would feel that self-pity, I would feel it and then release it to experience that greater sense of peace that all was in God's hands and I only needed to trust and let God Be through me and all would be all right.
I was emotionally involved. I did not try and suppress my emotions, or cut them off, or even try to transcend them. I let them be and then I saw them for what they were and chose to love, forgive and trust instead. My involvement emotionally had gone beyond my expectations of what any normal person would experience going through a separation and divorce. How many people are told by a Cosmic Being not to start their divorce proceedings? How many people are asked to talk to another person's false Self, or talk to their angry, resentful and non-communicative spouse on the inner? As he would not talk to me or write me to communicate and work through our issues on the outer, he foolishly refused to. How unusual is it for one to know from the heavenly Father that things are not as they appear and they should not take things at face value promising you your spouse will return while the reality in the world is that spouse is taking steps for a final divorce and sending angry letters to you? I do believe I had been victorious to keep much of what I did involving the community and our separation at a certain level of peace—while yet handling much in the emotional aspects with the behind the scenes communication, the Divine Direction to me, which often was to push someone's buttons and get them to respond in a negative way. And this was to bring out that which needed to be seen, exposed and transmuted, ere the New Age can arrive, the Aquarian Age of Peace and Enlightenment. As the months went on and more and more of the Conscious You lies were exposed, the false teachings that we began to see had permeated the Buddhist teachings, Christianity and the New Age movement, we grew as a community in true wisdom and love. We shed layers of doubt and fear that personally so many had carried most of their lives.
As I personally experienced my own fear and doubt, I saw why again and again I was divinely led to look at the past and dredge up again and again the nightmare of what had just unfolded. I finally understand my processing the pain of the past and the forward movement that I had to choose each day to choose love and forgiveness and not hold onto what appeared today, but to hold the immaculate concept for the reality of what ISIS. I saw that I had been crucified in order to take down the false wisdom, the pride of those caught in false wisdom, the great whore that puffs up those in false wisdom as superior in their spirituality and intelligence, even above God's Direction through Gurus, and the false unity of those thinking oneness with the All is about physical oneness with another. My personal crucifixion was to heal fear and doubt, the same doubt that Eve experienced upon the temptation of the Serpent in the Garden of Eden, and the same doubt that plagues countless sincere sons and daughters of God. And every time I chose to let go of resentment, fear or doubt and choose to forgive, love, and surrender my way to the greater Way of God Being, I would help heal a great rift in the world. As Jesus said on the cross, "Father forgive them, they know not what they do," as he is about to take his few last breaths. He is forgiving those who had brought him to his final hour on earth. Is that not total forgiveness? Can we do no less following in his footsteps? Being the Christ does not mean denying our emotions and desires, but on the contrary, means to raise up the astral plane of negative emotions that have propogated wars on this planet for eons. I know this now from my experience in Britain in the last few days there last October. Several times I was to take down pages of words on the story of this tale of Kim and my separation, and the vendetta of those around him towards me and the community, and even the aftermath that would follow eventually. Always, the process of love and forgiveness, love and forgiveness, even loving the anti-self kept coming up again and again. Love is the Key. The icing on the cake was the last day driving in the beautiful countryside. We were at the airport and for some reason this woman must have felt slighted at some mistake I made in driving - driving on the different side of the road, with the stick shift on your left side and the odd roundabouts with odd signs tripping us up many times - so that I must have done something she was extremely angry with me for. She pulled ahead of me on the road and then slammed on her brakes. I had to stop to avoid hitting her. And she had two little boys on the back seat of the car. But not only did she do it once, surprising all of us in the car, but she did it again. And then she pulled off to the side of the road with a big smirk on her face, according to one passenger, and then she was satisfied and done after she had gotten even with me for some slight infraction I had accidentally done to her. Here was the epitome of resentment, revenge and extreme out of balance emotions. She was fulfilled. She had gotten even. And this is the energy on this planet that is behind many a broken marriage, a family or tribal war, a nation against nation. Resentment and revenge, and extreme emotionalism that someone has slighted you or made off with your woman or stolen your goods or lied about you or any such loss. And then sometimes taking it a step further and plotting to take you down and all who side with you. And war ensues and more join that war and pretty soon you have a World War. And what was I and this community asked to do? We were asked to do one thing from the very first in this scenario with Kim's leaving the community, shutting down his website for months without a word to his internet followers, and abandoning his messengership and marriage with me, the Shangra-la Mission and all he stood for. Kim said he was on to a greater oneness with one woman, which the masters told him the day he left that it was a grave mistake and a product of his illusions, in his believing this was the perfect woman to bring him higher oneness. Oneness with what? Is there anything higher than oneness with I AM? And so that one thing we were asked to do was to forgive him, and in the process of forgiveness, to love and hold the immaculate concept for him. But we weren't just turning the other cheek, or even just calling forth the violet flame or making judgment calls on the unreality that was coming out of him and his followers. We were being the Christ in directly challenging the unreality by stating the truth, regardless of the resistance. We were attempting to Be, regardless of the resistance, without fear, without shame, without blaming. And it was hard. Sometimes we got attached to the rejection of truth. Sometimes we were hurt by the crude, course, heartlessness and the constant projections of blame and denial of even our love, as a product of our mental boxes and not real!
And so at the October conference we even chided ourselves because we did send Kim love unconditionally, but realized that we had qualified that love with "but not your not-self". We were hoping to not encourage Kim to be less, but to be Real. Yet over time we came to the realization that loving the unreality of God that was in another was not expected of us by God. It was the Conscious You belief of unconditionality that Kim taught us and that a lot of the world accepts today, in that we must love everyone the same and unconditionally that was a lie. This was the great lie that had taken so many of us into self-doubt about our capabilities to love and forgive others. We thought we had to love the unreal self in everyone, no matter what they did to us.
I will fight for the Victory of what is Right and stand up against what I believe is wrong and I will continue to expose lies wherever I see them. And that is Victory. And I will continue to be Victorious, and support the community to be so, in whatever negative energy, lies or actions taken against us, or our communities. We will continue to hold the immaculate concept, send love and forgiveness out, but we will also be the judgment. That is Victory. I think we have paved a way through the mass consciousness to love and forgive and yet Be who we are, God Beings standing in Truth and Purity. We are victorious. And we have sent that Victory out into the astral plane, the emotional belt of misqualified energies of man, as the way of love and forgiveness and More. We are victorious. We have stood up against lies about and against us. We have stated the Truth in a loving manner to those lying to us and about us. We are Victorious. And by God's grave we will be Victory all the way to end of this initiation, no matter how long it takes. We are Victorious!

_____________________

*Kim and I were married in July of 1989. We became messengers for the Ascended Masters and Great White Brotherhood in November of 2002. We served the Brotherhood together until July 2009, through the non-profit charity, the Shangra-la Mission,.until Kim abruptly left in July of 2009. He announced to me that he had found a higher oneness with a young woman who come to our School of Being. Three days later he and she were gone and within a week he had moved out of the country and moved in with her, where he remains until today, May 2010.